Giving Up

The memories fade inside my mind,

Each one a salty, bitter kind -

The type I wish I could rewind,

Before my heart becomes entwined

With every reason I can find

Convincing me that I should bind

Myself to bones long left behind

Of older faces, fading times.

Give me freedom, give me drink;

Steal me from this awful brink

Where truth is fading as I sink

Into this void where I can’t think.

I hear the glasses as they clink,

And slow, I sidle to the sink

Where bottles greet me with a wink

And I comply, without a blink,

Although my eyes are cracked and pink.

I tell them, “Fill me up.”

My thoughts are fading in the smoke

Through which I grin and laugh and choke,

Forgetting things unseen and broke

Like fading fire that needs a stoke

Or some strong passion to invoke

A mask to easily revoke

My dreams, which faded when I woke.

For now I’ll sigh, and sit, and soak.

I tell them, “Light me up.”

This hunger in me can’t be fed.

My mind is open, yet unread,

The memories flash inside my head

With venom that I should have said.

I saw a road which I could tread;

I took it, heart inside me dead,

And left the lonely in my bed

To stay with someone else instead

As if to take within my stead

Something less than heavy lead.

Slow, I’ll see my values bled

And watch my eyes turn bloodshot red.

I see their minds. They’re sick, depraved.

Yet could I be a mindless slave

And satisfy the urge they crave.

It’s just a simple, empty wave

A smile, a hint that I’ll behave –

Escort myself into my grave.

I’ll lock my heart, so strong and brave…

Nothing left He’d want to save.

I tell them, “Feel me up.”

My hands will never hold the same

Enduring, lasting, sparkling claim

That hearts can be subdued and tame

And still entwined with their true aim.

A wisp of wind calls out a name

That once was mine, before my shame

Took to my heart, my face, and maimed

My soul from inside-out, the blame

My own for toying with this game.

I’ll burn, in self-inflicted flame.

I beg Him, “Give me up.”